so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
