Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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