he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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