I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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