I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
