i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
