I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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