I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
