Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
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