her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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