We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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