Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I faked an abortion last night.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
