I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
if only i could text you this smell
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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