Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
