the condom got lost in my hair
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
