I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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