She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
