My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
