he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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