I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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