So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
