I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
