New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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