It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
