I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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