i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
