Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
