So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
