Ambien. No doubt about it.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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