yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
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