the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
