3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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