I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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