I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
