So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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