Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
