I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
