i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We got so high we made milksteak
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
