I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
