At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
