1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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