I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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