I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
They took my balls.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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