...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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