i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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