I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
