I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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