Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
