it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
