What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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